Unravelling

Have you ever had that moment where you pull at what you think is a loose thread on a piece of clothing and then you realise it is still attached and it starts to unravel? I had an experience a bit like that this week … only not with clothing!

Someone questioned a quote I had made online and they sent me a link. The link quoted someone whose book I have read. I ended up that night and the following morning looking at his website and investigating what he thought about, not just the translation in question but, a whole host of other matters.

This one little thread, about whether or not I should have quoted from a particular bible version, escalated. The ‘thread’ became an online thread that led to other threads as I found arguments, other points of view on “disputable matters” I had previously settled. Very soon I found myself questioning lots of what I have learned in the past 7 years or so in my walk with Jesus.

I initially attributed this to more of God’s current refining process within me. I was asking God what he needed to correct in me. I repented for anywhere I had misrepresented him and his words. However, I could really feel the sense of unravelling as thoughts about lots of issues continued; the feeling that everything was wobbly and uncertain, like I was standing on sinking sand and couldn’t find anything solid. Then I heard God say “STOP!” He told me to halt the runaway thoughts which, like a piece of knitting unravelling, were gathering pace. So I stopped, went out and did something different for a while and regained some perspective. 2 Corinthians 10:5 exhorts us to:

…take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.

While I was out, I started to contemplate the truths that were still solid, rehearsing the truths that are my rock to stand on and my footing became more secure. My panic subsided and I then repented for agreeing with fear and panic and told them to get lost. Peace restored. I also had a conversation with a wise friend and we agreed that the unravelling was probably not from God, not least because of its fruit!

The next day, as I processed with God, I realised that doubt had come in with a vengeance. Not so much doubts about God and who he is but self-doubt, about who he has said I am, my value to God, and my ability to walk as who he says I am. I doubted my understanding of truth. The whole thing made me want to shrink back, stop doing all sorts of things and stay very small, preferably undetectable! I told myself I was trying to remain teachable but that wasn’t all that was happening. My foundations were being attacked. Wisdom tells me to take care who I allow to influence my thoughts but I had allowed the voice of the accuser to run rampant.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

This passage in James 1:5-8 was where I started and as I looked at the word used for ‘doubt’, in the Strong’s Concordance section on BibleHub, I was struck by this:

From dia and krino; to separate thoroughly, i.e. (literally and reflexively) to withdraw from, or (by implication) oppose;

In the garden of Eden, the enemy sowed doubt into Adam and Eve’s minds which resulted in them separating from God, and each other. It set them up in opposition to God, and they withdrew from that loving relationship with him, and they withdrew from each other. Wow!

Doubt is so powerful at undermining the truth of who God is and the truth of who you are. Doubt divides us from truth, from confidence, from the ability to risk. Doubt stops us from telling mountains to go and jump into the sea! Doubt causes us, like Peter on the sea, to sink. And doubt so often partners with fear.

The passage in James goes on to say that a person who doubts is double minded. I definitely had felt unstable! As I read on in the Strong’s Concordance, I realised that not only is there an external separation but there is also an internal one. Doubt sowed into my mind a feeling of being ‘at variance with myself’ as Strong’s puts it. Literally at war with myself. The withdrawal and separation, the opposition, was an internal churning as I wrestled to hold on to the truth of who I am. The doubt caused a separation, a division in my mind.

But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.

Doubt is therefore sin! Faith is the choice not to agree with doubt. As we choose faith, it is not that doubt will not try to attract our attention, it is not even that doubt will necessarily completely disappear, it is just that our attention will be so thoroughly fixed on the object of our faith, and his opinion, that we will not pay doubt any attention. The bigger Jesus is in our view, and the more we have a history of faith in him that has borne fruit time and again increasing our confidence in the object of our faith, the less hold doubt will be able to gain in our lives.

Doubt distracts our attention and separates us from, turns our eyes from truth so that sinking sand feeling is what results because we are no longer standing on the solid ground of the truth of who God is, the truth of who we are. I am so grateful for the strategy he gave me of fixing my eyes back on him. I had become separated in my mind from truth, so he asked the question:

What is true?

We know that the truth is what sets us free (John 8:32) and this is how he set me free from the paralysing effects of doubt and self-doubt this week. However, there is a deeper level to this. I wanted to know why the doubt had got in so quickly. In reality, like Adam and Eve in the garden it has to do with my belief system – I believed lies which then allowed doubts. Like Adam and Eve, in that moment, the question is:

Who are you going to believe?

Ultimately, I am accountable to God. He is my judge. Do I need to justify myself and my choices to everyone, if I have settled the matter with God? I have trusted, godly men and women in my life, who have permission to speak into my walk with God. I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father and he has given me his Holy Spirit, of whom it says in John 16:13

When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.

In the days ahead, in the storms that may come, if I do not want to be tossed around by “every wind of doctrine”, as it were, I need to trust Holy Spirit a whole lot more and hold to the truth I know. His has to be the loudest voice. His voice will lead me safe pastures. And I need to continue asking,

Holy Spirit, show me any lies I am believing. Show me the truth.