Keep a safe distance!

In sunny Scotland, we are beginning slowly and carefully to emerge from the restrictions of the pandemic, like a bear coming out of hibernation.  It is as though we are awakening from some weird dream.  We have not come fully out of the cave of lockdown yet but there are definite signs of life that the winter is ending, and spring is springing!  Watching people operate in the newly released freedoms of reconnecting socially is interesting.  There is definite uncertainty as people navigate how to be together again. 

I have been contemplating again the concept of “social distance” which, when the phrase first appeared, seemed entirely like something the enemy would dream up.  While we can acknowledge that God has been working in our hearts in this time, we can (mostly) all agree that isolation is not splendid.  “Splendid isolation” was a phrase that came to mind earlier this week.  It was apparently a historical British strategy to avoid permanent alliances.  Maybe it is something in our culture that makes us want to keep part of our heart in reserve. 

The great commandment is explained in Matthew 22:37-40:

Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

Jesus expanded on this in John 13:34

A new command I give you: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

If God’s plan is for us to be connected, and be connected more deeply, whole-heartedly – to him and each other, then we need to allow Holy Spirit to put his finger on the things that disconnect us or hinder us in our connection.  This is a process that God has been taking me through for many years!

The reality is that real friendships, as opposed to acquaintances or the relationships we have with work colleagues, take vulnerability and risk.  People have the capacity to hurt us and the closer they get, the greater that potential.  The concept of “safe distance” is something many of us are familiar with in our relationships.  It can feel much easier to keep people at arm’s length, to keep relationships superficial, surface level.  “How are you?” someone asks.  “Fine,” we respond.  Meaningless platitudes and stock phrases creating much of our conversations.  Even in church, or maybe especially in church, where our masks feel surgically sewn in place.  Does anyone else long to get past superficial?

The world is crying out for connection.  There is an epidemic of loneliness and yet we are more connected than ever with our phones, tablets, and computers.  The trouble is we seek to try and fix our need for connection in wrong ways, in ways that keep us at a “safe distance.”  We build walls to hide behind that we think will keep our hearts safe.  Most of us have been hurt in the past and unfortunately the walls we build serve not only to keep pain out, but they keep out real, deep connection.  They limit our capacity to receive love, and they can lock us in a prison of our own making.   

Recently, God talked to me about the ways I have closed my heart to people.  He took me back to childhood days when I learned not to trust people and showed me that I closed a door that kept people in the “outer courts” of my heart.  I learned not to allow anyone into that vulnerable space in the depths of me.  As I got older and had more painful experiences, I learned to be strong, unemotional, and detached.  I learned to hide my vulnerability.  I learned to live in a place of numbness. 

My emotions were so controlled that I often did not know what emotion I was experiencing, and it was shut down and boxed away before I even recognised what it was.  I remember years ago my shock on discovering that I did feel anger, it scared me.  I did not know how to express it healthily.  My learned behaviour as a child was that any negative emotion was to be taken outside.  So, I learned to go for a walk and come back when I had my emotions under control.  Eventually, I got so adept at getting them under control that I didn’t need to go for the walk, except in extreme situations. 

If this was my norm, it is not surprising that many of my relationships were not healthy.  If I had to hide my emotions, then effectively I had to hide who I am.  It is fear that does this to us – fear of rejection, of hurt, betrayal, of all the things that can go wrong with relationships.  I am not advocating splurging your emotions uncontrollably all over everyone inappropriately.  I am not advocating allowing my emotions to take control of me.  However, I am rejecting some British “stiff upper lip”, stoic control of my emotions that is an unhealthy way of life that we need to unlearn.

God created me to be me.  Fully, authentically me.  As you read through the gospels, you see Jesus expressing anger, frustration, sorrow, love and much more. He was not ruled by his emotions, but he expressed them freely, appropriately.  He clearly didn’t feel the need to “man up” and hide them.  God is an emotional God.  If I am going to represent him well, I need to be able to represent the emotions he is expressing.  I have been challenged by this verse that Jesus seems to embody so well:

Celebrate with those who celebrate, and weep with those who grieve. (Romans 12:15)

We are told in scripture, “In your anger do not sin …” (Ephesians 4:26). We are not told to not be angry, just than however we choose to express it, we should do it in a way that is not sinful.  Emotions are a gift from God.  Negative emotions can be helpful indicators of what is going on internally.  When I feel a lack of peace, for example, it is a nudge to talk to God about it.  I often ask God what I am feeling and why.  Sometimes it reveals beliefs that are out of sync with reality and so it is an opportunity to allow him to readjust my thinking back in line with his. 

Sometimes it is an opportunity to sit with the one who is always trustworthy, who will never let me down, never reject me, and allow him to bring comfort and healing to the pain.  In order to do that, I have to acknowledge that the pain is there.  I have to let go of the habit of minimising it.  “It’s no big deal, really,” trying to render it less painful by effectively lying to myself about any impact on me.  Or my habit of rationalising pain, “Well, it is because he is struggling himself,” reframing it in a way that attempts to reduce the pain of the moment.

We all have strategies like this for getting pain under control.  Some of us escape into drink or food, or the phone, or gaming or something that takes our mind off it.  I wonder what your strategy is for managing painful emotions.  The healthiest option is to bring them to God.  To be real with him about how we are feeling; to talk them through with him and allow him into the situation, into the pain.

Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. (Psalm 62:8)

A heart’s cry when I became a Christian, 21 years ago, was “God, I want to feel you!”  I realise it has to start with the cry, “I want to feel!”  Our culture somehow manages to idolise being strong, stoic, and unemotional.  It idolises hiding and pretending.  Well, no more!  I am allowing God to unlock my heart.  I am allowing him to bring life and feeling back into the frozen, shutdown places in my life.  Yes, it feels scary and vulnerable, but I am in him.  I am safe.

In the process, I am also learning to allow people deeper into my heart.  This is a Holy Spirit led process.  He is the one guiding me into safe, healthy relationships.  Would it be wisdom to allow everyone into the deepest places of my heart?  Probably not.  However, as I become increasingly safe in the love of the Father, secure in his embrace, I am able to lower the iron clad protection that I have placed around my heart and let him be my defender, my champion, my protector.  I will not need my self-protective habits.  The walls are coming down!

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.  (Psalm18:2)