Whose opinion matters most?

I have been pondering obedience for a while so there may end up being more than one post on the subject. 

Just before New Year, God asked me a question.  Out of the blue, while I was pottering in the kitchen, I heard the question, “Are you willing to be criticised?”  Not tortured.  Not put in prison.  Not beheaded.  Just criticised.  When God asks me a question, I can guarantee He knows the answer.  It is more about what He wants to reveal to me that is the point.  What this particular question revealed to me was that actually, although I might have hopes about being one of those really strong Christians who would die for Jesus, actually, just like Peter discovered, this is an area of weakness for me.  Peter thought that he would be willing to die for Jesus, more willing than the others, he thought, but when the heat got turned up in the garden of Gethsemane, he fled like all the rest, and then when he was identified by a servant girl as being a follower of Jesus, he denied Him, three times!  Not his finest hour. (You can find this story in Matthew 26:31-35 and 69-75)

As I processed the question, I was honest with God about the fact that I don’t want to be criticised, I want to be liked.  I don’t like rejection.  In fact, I struggle with being rejected.  The reality is that none of us like it, but the point is that in those moments of choice, will we choose the path of least resistance or will we choose the path that leads to life?  Am I more interested in other people’s opinion that God’s?  Unfortunately, I have discovered over the years that the answer to that question has sometimes been yes. 

When I was involved in different outreach activities, for example, I had to face the fact that I cared about what random people on the street who I had never seen before, and would probably never see again, thought about me, more than I cared about what God thought.  I had to face the fact and choose to do it anyway so that a little bit more of my pride, my desire to look good could die.

In 1 Samuel 15:22, Samuel tells Saul that “to obey is better than sacrifice” and in John 14:23, Jesus tells us that love looks like obeying his words.  We choose to show our love to God in our obedience to him, even when it feels hard.  He does not say obey me if it feels good or obey me if you think it’s a good idea. He is God, I am not.  Isaiah 55:8 tells us “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.  He knows better than me and He has the full picture of all the implications of my actions.

Last year, God asked me to follow a particular path of obedience which has brought me into conflict with family and friends at times.  The conflict has not been overt arguments with those around me, more like subtle pressure.  Sometimes in a lack of understanding of the path that I’m following, sometimes in the tone of voice or the questions asked.  However, the greatest test, the greatest pressure has been internal.  My emotions have frequently wanted to take a different path.  My loyalties, my desire to not upset people, my desire to not miss out, my desire to do something different from what God has asked me to do.  Most of the time I have managed to be obedient, although I have not always managed to be cheerfully obedient.  Sometimes I have grumbled and complained about the path I am on.  Sometimes this was to assuage the guilt I felt at making it difficult for other people, sometimes to try and garner their sympathy and deter any criticism.

The fact is, our obedience to God does not only impact us.  I wonder what Isaac would say about how he felt about invitations to go and worship God with his father, Abraham, after their trip in Genesis 22 when Abraham would have sacrificed Isaac in obedience, if God has not stopped him at the last moment.  For me, because of the struggle I have with wanting to keep people happy, to stay in relationship at all costs, to not cause upset and distress, it has meant that I wanted no-one to suffer as a result of my obedience to God apart from me.  I wanted to bear all the cost of it myself.  Ask any missionary’s child about the possibility of that desire.  There is a cost to obedience.  Our obedience to God has an impact on those around us.  Obedience to God is always worth the cost, I know that, but my family and friends have also paid a cost because of many of my decisions over the years.  The times when I have moved to a new house, moved away from an area, stopped doing an activity that we used to enjoy doing together, made decisions about how to spend my money, my time – all these things impact other people.

I had settled my heart over the issue of the current path of obedience I am on.  I had found a peace in it.  I had stopped feeling so torn, so pulled in different directions and had begun to trust God in it.  He knows all the different implications better than me.  He knows how I am affected but he also knows the impact on other people, and I can trust Him with it all. 

However, this week I was in a more emotionally charged situation, in closer proximity to family and friends, and maintaining that line of obedience seemed harder.  I was very torn by the conflicting emotions.  The desire to please God and the desire to please people, to not disappoint, and if I am honest, the desire to give in to the temptation not to obey.  After all, we are not tempted by things we don’t want to do.

I managed partial obedience and moments of outright disobedience.  I did not enjoy the moments of disobedience.  There is a cost to obedience but there is also a cost to disobedience.  I completely lost the peace I had in those moments and felt churned up internally.  That may not be the only cost, but it is the one I was most aware of initially.  It is not that I didn’t know what to do, I did.

I was reminded that it says in Genesis 22 that God tested Abraham.  Deuteronomy 8:2 says that God tested the Israelites in the desert to humble them and find out what was in their hearts.  This situation revealed my heart.  I discovered weakness, a lack in my character.  I have to say, I did not enjoy what I discovered was in my heart. It is humbling because I have to acknowledge my weakness and my need for God’s help.

In that moment of revelation, there is another temptation.  The enemy tempts us to fall into the pit of accusation and condemnation that he lays for us.  I have another choice.  Do I fall into self-condemnation, feeling bad about it all, wishing I had done differently?  Well, it’s an option but not very productive.  God reveals the state of our heart when He wants to do something about it.  I have been praying that He would purify my heart – He is answering that prayer!

The most helpful response is to allow his kindness to lead me to repentance so that He can get rid of some more junk from my life.  I do not want my pride and concern for my reputation with people to be greater than my desire to bring honour to His name; I do not want my fear of what people think to be greater than my fear of God. So, following the pattern in 1 John 1:9, I confess, repenting of my disobedience, asking God in His mercy to spare anyone else any cost of my disobedience, and I receive His forgiveness and His cleansing from unrighteousness.  There are deeper issues to return to but for now, peace is restored. I’m back on track!