Not my will but yours …

Our whole walk with Jesus, is one of constant surrender, from day one where we acknowledge his Lordship in our lives, to our day-by-day choices to follow Him.  We cannot always see the path ahead and we are learning to trust Jesus, to follow in His footsteps and let go of our need to know, to be in control.  Today, I want to tell you about my latest moments of surrender.

Last Thursday night, Mum had a brain haemorrhage and has been in an acute ward in hospital for the last 5 days.  The medical staff are lovely and are giving her palliative care and expecting her to die any time.

My initial response to the news, was to pray in tongues, trusting Holy Spirit to pray what was right, and then to alert trusted prayer people who have so often stood with us as a family.  In those initial moments I told God how I felt and what I would like to see but also told Him that I submitted to what He wanted to do.  If it was time for her to go home, that was OK and if He wanted to heal her and bring her home that was equally OK; it seemed like a win-win situation.  I prayed with a friend over the phone and we agreed about how God was responding in the moment.  As I wrote in my journal later, I was a bit tentative about writing what I thought He was saying to me, because I didn’t want my emotions to cloud my ability to hear His voice clearly, but I felt that He said was taking her home, which to be honest, felt like the best option for many reasons because her quality of life has deteriorated so much in the last couple of years. I was in a “God, please heal her or take her home” mindset.

On Saturday, I was able to travel down and spend several hours with my Mum and had the privilege of praying and singing over her, both in tongues and what came to me in the moment and reading scripture out loud.  I worshipped God and had a lovely time. Since then, I have been staying with Dad and my brother, travelling in each day to see her, using the hour long journey to allow God to strengthen me for the day ahead. 

I heard the phrase “surprised by joy” as I travelled in on Sunday and that is how I have felt.  I feel so carried by God in it, my heart has been full, and I have felt like I am living the truth of the scripture in Nehemiah 8:10 that says, “…This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” In a conversation that morning, someone said “I hope no-one is praying stupid prayers.” I agreed.  I prayed that the power and effects of any prayers that were not God’s will would not impact Mum.  I prayed that God’s will would prevail and that the enemy’s plans would be thwarted.  I prayed that peace would surround the situation. 

At that moment, I didn’t realise that my surrender on Thursday night had solidified into a mindset of “the best, kindest thing would be if God took her home quickly” and that this mindset had now somehow in my head become, “this is God’s plan” and anything else that anyone may be praying must be out of alignment with the will of God.  In my heart there was ugly judgment and condemnation of those who had said they were praying for healing, or clearly hoped for that.    

The bible tells us that there is power in our words, the power of life and death!  My prayers declared that God is in charge, but my conversations and texts were not quite as surrendered.  I was practically telling people to pray for God to take Mum home, partly out of a desire to make sure we all prayed “in agreement” but also because I wanted her to be rescued from the way that life has become.

We agree that God is good as the bible tells us but so often our concept of what is good is very defined in our mind.  Adam and Eve wanted to decide for themselves what was good and evil, rather than trusting God’s judgment on the matter and look where that got us.  It would seem we are still doing it today, at least clearly I am.  I decided somewhere in this process what the blessing of God should look like.  So often good or blessing in my mind’s eye looks like what I would like to happen.  I had decided what would be good in this situation and yet His ways are not like mine, His thoughts are not like mine we are told in Isaiah 55. What if His blessing looks different?  What if He wants to bring her home, no better than she was before, for a bit longer?  What if He wants to keep her peaceful like this until my other brothers, who are currently in quarantine, can see her?  How surrendered are “my plans”?

God is the one who ordains her steps, He orders her days, He is sovereign.  These are all things I have prayed and declared as truth I believe from scripture. Today as I contemplated “stupid prayers and words” again, I was convicted by the fact that my words did not match my prayers.  I was declaring God’s sovereignty, His Lordship over the whole situation, whilst simultaneously agreeing with death in my words.  I had been planning a funeral whilst Mum is still alive. How can I agree with the enemy?  God is life.  Death is defeated and yet I was busy giving him access, giving him authority to rule in this situation.

So, I repented of every agreement with the enemy’s plans.  I repented for deciding how it should all work out, for declaring in effect that my will would prevail.  I repented for telling God what is good, for somehow losing that moment of surrender, in all the emotions.  How easily we can be manipulated by our emotions.

The outcome may be the same.  God’s best for Mum may well be that He will take her home, as I thought He said on Thursday night.  However, the difference is that it is God who decides, not me, not the medical staff and certainly not the enemy.  I choose not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  I choose to line up my words, my texts and my communications around this whole situation, with what I have been praying. Mum’s time is in His hands. I will continue to pray that His will prevails. I will continue to pray that peace surrounds the whole situation, and I will continue trust Him, even though I can’t see the road ahead clearly.  He is my rock, my refuge in this.  He totally understands all the factors involved, and a whole lot of factors that I am oblivious to, including the ways He is bringing about blessing in multiple lives simultaneously.