A Cautionary Tale

When I was younger, I loved the cautionary tales of Hilaire Belloc, partly because I grew up with my dad quoting “Matilda told such dreadful lies, it made one gasp and stretch ones eyes” and other classic lines. (For the uninitiated, they are free on http://www.gutenberg.org!) This week, what I want to share is a bit of a cautionary tale. I think that Holy Spirit sometimes uses the testimony of others in this way to help us beware, as Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 10:6

Now these things [the warnings and admonitions] took place as examples for us, so that we would not crave evil things as they did.

He continues in 2 Corinthians 2:11

… in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.

This is tale of how a little seed can grow. I hope you will bear with the story as I unpack it. Over the last maybe 7-8 years or so, I have had various prophetic words about being a “spiritual warrior” but I have always strenuously resisted saying “it’s not my stuff, that was my mum’s passion.” I understand that prayer and intercession is part of every believer’s life but my resistance was that it was not something I wanted to major on. On my bookshelf, I have quite a few books on prayer and spiritual warfare, most of them half-read as I ran out of enthusiasm part way through. I have been involved in prayer of various kinds and at various levels over the years. I have led prayer meetings, and participated in what is called on-site, strategic prayer dealing with issues over an area rather than individuals but have felt somewhat indifferent about it all, if I am honest, and just put it down to it “not being my stuff”.

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to one of my leaders about this. She offered to pray for me and as she did she saw a picture of me “warring (in prayer) for a relationship and then being slumped in defeat”. She said that as a result, she felt I had numbed my heart to prayer, and intercession, and that God would like to sort my heart out.

The next morning, as I sat with God and talked to him about this picture she had, he showed me that the issue was a seed of disappointment that had been sown in my life. What shocked me, as I sat for probably a couple of hours talking it over with him, was the full extent of the impact it had on me. We know the enemy sows seeds in our lives, as is evidenced by the story in Matthew 13 (v 25):

But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away.

I am reminded again of the need to tend our “vineyard”, the garden of our heart, so that what grows is the fruit of Holy Spirit rather than being defiled by weeds. Song of Solomon 2:15 exhorts us:

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.

Disappointment seems like such a normal emotion, after all life often bring events to us that are unexpected, unwelcome. Disappointment, it seems, is inevitable. In some ways, in comparison to some “bigger sins” agreeing with disappointment seems relatively small. However, that little seed harvested a crop in me, not overnight, but as it was left untended and grew, and grew. Gradually my prayers became less faith-filled and less fervent. I prayed less. My faith gave way to discouragement, then doubt entered, inviting its friend unbelief to join the party too. Increasingly when I prayed in any circumstance, I lacked a sense of expectation or hope. My faith wavered in the face of other disappointments. People I prayed for didn’t get healed, or even worse, died. In the face of repeated disappointments, I began to protect my heart from further disappointment and pain. I feared the lack of success in my prayers, felt intimidated by the fruitlessness, so I avoided prayer. I numbed my emotions, hardened my heart and built walls to avoid the pain. Deception entered as I spiritualised some of these things in order to justify my behaviour. I prided myself on not being overly “emotional”. Eventually this led to a lack of compassion in some situations, and a tendency to judgment and criticism, to negativity. The final revelation in this long list, that really shocked me, was the realisation that it had all made me resist God. It had led to a lack of submission, rebellion against God and his word. Every word that was spoken to me or prayed over me, and there have been many, and scriptures that related in any way to prayer, intercession, being a spiritual warrior, or impacting territory in a spiritual way, I automatically resisted, said “no” to in my heart, and rejected.

I wept at the thought that I had been consistently saying “no” to God for so long in this area. Everything in me longs for my heart to be in a continual state of “yes” to whatever God has for me and here was this patch of hard ground in my heart. I so thank God for the reality of the truth in Romans 2:4

…God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance.

The point of this tale is not to say “woe is me, I am such a worm”. It is to illustrate the need in all of our lives to “keep short accounts with God”. The minute Holy Spirit highlights something to us, we need to deal with it so that it cannot take root. Hebrews 12:15 warns us:

See to it that no-one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

This is key because that root of disappointment, which poisoned me and my ability to be as God intends, impacted not just me but also those around me. Hurt, pain, bitterness, disappointment, the wounds of the past cause ripples that spread to those around us. They lead us into resisting God, defiling others and causing trouble. This is not where any of us want to be.

As I write, I have just had a phone call from a family member about a situation that feels like a disappointment, a storm. Right now, in this moment, there is a choice. Will I allow bitterness or the pain and potential confusion of the moment to cloud my vision or will I resist the desire to self protect and reach for Heavenly Father and his grace, his enabling in the moment. He is still sovereign. I will not adjust my theology, my choice to put my faith in him in the face of circumstances, my belief in his goodness. In my walking out of these moments, I am saying:

Heal my heart from that past disappointment so that I can be one who carries extravagant hope and expectation, trusting in our wonderful God, regardless of circumstances!

For all of us, may this prayer in Romans 15:13 be ours:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.