In a way that is reminiscent of my very first post on here, this is not what I had planned!
If you visit a website that is still being designed, and there is a placeholder on the internet as it were until it is finished, you will see a message that says, “under construction” or “coming soon”.
I feel a bit like that right now. Last week God asked me to take some time to go through all the things I am involved in and ask the question, “Why am I doing this?” I am still very much in this process, especially since, as I do it, God is asking subsequent questions and revealing, maybe exposing is a better word, things in my heart.
I have gone through the process with the blog and there have been some ‘ouch’ moments, like when God asked me, “Whose blog is it?” and then pointed out that I was responding to expectations about the frequency and timing of posts that he had not set. Since starting the whole thing was not my idea but his and since he is supposed to lead and I am supposed to follow, there needs to be some readjustment.
I thought I had worked through most of what came up and so last night I sat down to write a post for this week. Normally I finish it and then post it the following morning, or late at night but I felt to wait. When I woke this morning, it didn’t sit right so I left it.
Tonight, as I was cooking my tea, I was thinking about whether it needed tweaking or if it was good to go and I heard the phrase “under construction”. I thought I knew what it meant, in relation to websites, but thought I would check. The first article that came up (on Canva.com if you’re interested, for the sake of citing it) had some interesting phrases that seem very relevant, in the context of what God is doing in my life.
“Sometimes websites need a makeover” I read. For website, read child of God, or the church. For sure God is in the business of doing makeovers on his children where they have got bent out of shape in life and right now, he seems to be in the business of making over his church too.
“Whether it’s updating the content, refreshing the design, or starting from scratch, maintaining a website can sometimes take a lot of time and patience” it continued. I hope he is not having to start from scratch with me, or with the church, but there does seem to have been a lot of dismantling. I am being restored to the maker’s original design, not just refreshing the design. The content of my thinking, foundational beliefs, and mindsets, has certainly been overhauled in the past months. I have said on more than one occasion that it feels like I am being rewired! We are encouraged in Romans 12:2 to
… be transformed by the renewing of your mind!
God seems to be participating in this renewal process with enthusiasm. Thank God for his endless patience with me and his commitment to the task in hand. I am reminded of the promise in Philippians 1:6
…that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus
“While a website under construction page might be only temporary, designing it well is very important for the integrity of your brand” was the last bit I read which struck me as significant. I carry the name of Jesus Christ. The Father’s good name is at stake here, the “integrity of the brand”. So, the heart work continues. I want him to dig out everything that would defile his name, everything that would impact his ability to shine through my life. I want to represent him well. Psalm 139:3 reminds us that God is
… familiar with all our ways
And even thought we might be able to deceive ourselves at times, he sees it all. 1 Corinthians 4:5 tells us that
He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart.
In my submission to this process, I have once again surrendered this whole website back to him to close down or to keep. I have acknowledged that somehow, somewhere it had subtly become mine and had become something that was feeding some unhealthy things in me, like the desire for significance and “likes”. Not entirely unhealthy ~ that’s the subtlety of our enemy. He is an expert at mixture, a little bit of truth, of good, mixed in.
As I continue the process of assessing the things that I am involved in, I will allow God to cut off the branches that are not bearing good, healthy fruit and prune the ones that are bearing some fruit so that they become more fruitful. That is easier said than done. Am I willing to let go of things if he asks me to? The initial question God gave me, “Why are you doing this?” is key. Motivation is so important. I am praying with David in Psalm 139:23-24 (in the Passion Translation here)
God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares. See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on, and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting way ~ the path that brings me back to you.
All that to say, I think there are deeper layers to go through with my writing and posting on here. Maybe God wants to change more than making my motivation purer. In any case, I will not be promising to post every week. If he chooses to make it shorter or longer, a different style, more or less frequent, that is how it will be. I will also be more aware of my heart motivation.
Whichever analogy you use, that of the gardener pruning the vines in John 15, or the potter remaking the pot in Jeremiah 18, I am still very much under construction! I need the refiner’s fire to burn the dross out of me. Which is why this old song has been on repeat in my mind for weeks: Refiner’s Fire by Brian Doerksen https://youtu.be/BLyQAx8DpBI
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