Over a week since I last posted, and I need to update you. Mum died, peacefully, the evening after my last post. Thanks to the grace of God, Dad and I were both able to be with her at the time, still praying over her, holding her hands, as she went to be with her Saviour. What a privilege, especially in these times.
I have learned and am learning lots on this journey and these are some of my thoughts so far. One of the things that I felt that God helped me to think about during the last days of Mum’s life was from 2 Corinthians 4:18 “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.” It is easy in the emotion of it all to look at our circumstances, whatever is going on in our lives, whether it be sickness, trauma, job loss, disappointment, or pain and suffering, and to react according to how we feel. There is a temptation to go with our emotions since they feel justified in the moment.
I am not at any point advocating a robotic ignoring of our emotions, that is most definitely not what God wants for us. He gave us our emotions as a gift. They help us to understand what is going on internally. Sometimes, they are an indication that something is wrong, for example, if I feel anger in a situation, it is helpful for me to process that with God, especially if I am not sure I understand. I ask God, “What am I feeling and why?” He always knows. Sometimes, my feelings indicate beliefs that are not in line with the bible. Sometimes, my feelings are a natural expression of a completely godly reaction. Faith does not mean repressing our emotions, although sometimes we need to find a godly way to express them and process them.
Jesus tells us that He only did what He saw the Father doing and said what He was told to say. (John 5:19, John 12:49). This is the pattern for us too. So, it is key to find out what God is doing. You may remember that I asked God, when I first heard the news about Mum, what He was doing but He didn’t give me a time scale. It was important to pray and declare that His plans would unfold in His perfect timing. One of the things we prayed consistently was that whatever it looked like on the earth, God was still sovereign, He was in charge and how things unfolded in that hospital would be dictated by His timetable, by His plans, not the enemy’s.
There were moments in the last days, where I took my eyes off the King and put them on Mum. There were moments where I wobbled, even as Peter wobbled and started to sink when he walked on the water to Jesus, because he took his eyes off Him and looked at the waves. I am not the rock, He is! There was one moment on the last day when time seemed to be going much slower than on previous days, and in my mind, I was telling God I was tired, and I couldn’t do it. I asked Him to help. He reminded me of Hebrews 12:2, and I heard the phrase “He endured”. Knowing that Jesus endured the cross, which is far worse than what I was enduring, helped to give me strength to persevere. My frequent prayer was, “Father we are dependent on you, give us strength, help us.”
Staying in a place of peace and trust in His perfect plans, requires a constant vigilance to keep fixing our eyes back on Him. Every little change, every little turn for the better or worse can easily shift our eyes back onto the situation and we can begin to put our trust in the wrong things. We can begin to put our trust in changing circumstances, in people, in authorities, but the bible tells us many times that the wise man, the one who is blessed, is the one who trusts in the Lord. At every moment, the enemy would like to rob us of our peace but Isaiah 26:3 reminds us, “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because He trusts in you.” I wonder for each of you right now, what are you hoping in? A useful question I have asked God is, “Where in my life is my hope not in you?” I don’t know about you but in some situations, it seems easier to trust God and then others, it needs a constant repositioning of my faith back in God.
I said last time that it was a win-win situation for Mum. Either she came home, or she went home. For the Christian death has been defeated by Jesus, it has no hold over us, no fear. That final moment where Mum left her body and went to be with Jesus, is a moment of triumph. Her old, tired body that contained her spirit while she was on this earth has served its purpose and is no longer needed; she will get a new one, one day. She continues to live forever, all sickness, pain, suffering, and distress is gone instantly. She is free. She is welcomed into paradise. For the Christian, this is a moment of celebration. Paul explains in his letter to the Philippians, “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” And he continues, “I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far…” To die is gain – Mum has gained that which is better by far and I for one do not begrudge her that one bit. I celebrate a life well-lived, a race well run, right to the end.
For those of us left behind, not being robots, there are, and will continue to be, moments when we miss her. She was a little lady, but she has left an enormous hole. Processing those emotions well is part of this journey. As someone who has not always done this, I have been making space with God to just sit and allow myself space to feel the emotions, to acknowledge them, and to allow them to be released. I have asked Him to help me feel the emotions, to navigate this bit of the journey well, healthily, with Him.
Mum is at peace. She stayed in peace through the days in the hospital and was carried to Jesus in peace. The enemy has not triumphed, even as He did not triumph when Jesus was crucified. His death on the cross means eternal life for Mum, with Him. For those of us who also know Jesus and have that same hope, this parting is temporary. So, we can say with Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians (15:55) “Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” The One who is the Resurrection, and the Life, has conquered death.
Someone texted me this last week: “I guess that where people of faith have upper hand, others have beliefs whereas you have absolute faith … I get it.” He is right and so I can be defiantly joyful, utterly confident in Mum’s current whereabouts.
In many ways, this is a moment of victory but ultimately the victory belongs to Jesus Christ. He is the one who conquered death. He is the one who gave Mum eternal life. He is the one who carried me and is carrying me through this. It is His strength, His grace, that enables me to face this moment with peace and joy.
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